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Double Plus Un-Good

I had been in Japan for 18 months when GEOS scheduled its next training seminar. The training was to be held in the head office in Osaki on Sunday and Monday so that none of our classes would be canceled.

I was happy to learn that some of my friends from recruitment and hiring days would also be at the same training as I.

Training started at about 10:00 in the am with a quick get to know you activity. Everything at GEOS had to be some kind of convoluted "learning exercise" Today's fun and merriment would begin with a rousing memory game.

The object of the game er, EXERCISE (GEOS never calls games "games", they're called excercises to preserve some semblance of learning) was to remember everyone's name and favorite food and then be able to say "His name is so and so and his favorite food is such and such" Whoop-tee-do, huh? I went to university for this?!. We stood in a circle and took turns stating our names and our favorite food.

I went first, "My name is Chris and I like spaghetti". The girl standing next to me went next.
"My name is Shelly and I like amaebi" she said with a smile.
Smart ass, I thought. Everyone'll pick some Japanese food and I'll look like a complete doorknob with my safe, unexotic spaghetti.
"My name is Julie and I like ikura..."
The guy next to her went next.
"Watashi wa Richado mo atashi no daisuki agizukuri" he said.
Oh God, it's not bad enough that he did the whole thing in Japanese but did he have to include the Japanese pronunciation of his name?
"Excellent Richard! Just excellent!" Andrea the trainer exclaimed. Everyone agreed.
Barf.

After the thrilling game which had been built up all the way from name and favorite food through favorite colours, animals, cities, and movie stars we settled down for some serious work.

"Today we are going to talk about language." Andrea said. Pretty unusual topic for a bunch of eikaiwa teachers at a training, eh?
"Specifically, we are going to talk about how your language affects your work place."
Andrea took a seat at the front of the semi circle and eyed us all slowly.
"Chris, what's the opposite of "No."?"
"Uhhhh..." Think fast! Is this some kind of trick? "Yes"?" I said uncertainly.
"That's right!"
"Shelly, what's the opposite of "Can't"?" Andrea asked.
"Can." Shelly said quickly.
"Peter, "Won't"?"
"Will"
Andrea asked all the members of the group the same type of question.
"Do you see what I'm getting at?" she asked.
I was still wondering if Julie's favorite food really was ikura.

"By using the right kind of vocabulary in the work place, we can further create a winning atmosphere?" Shelly asked.
"Now you've got it!" Andrea said.

Ikura is the name of a type of sushi that has fish eggs on top of a little ball of rice wrapped with sea weed. I don't like it, myself, because I don't like the sensation of little eggs exploding in my mouth as I chew. For some reason, every baby loves it.

"Chris?"
"Hm?" I replied astutely, snapped out of my ikura reverie.
"You and Rina will be partners for the first presentation." Andrea said, "Here is your material. Please go and sit down in that corner together and prepare a 15 minute presentation. You've 30 minutes"
I looked at Rina and we headed for the corner as the other pairs were being put together and given materials.

The topic of our presentation was supposed to be about how using certain kinds of praise in the classroom can have a negative impact on learners. One way to praise a student without demotivating him or her was, according to this little GEOS research, to ring a little bell.

"This is bullshit." I said to Rina.
"Uh huh."
"Can you imagine ringing a bell every time your student learned something?"
"No way."
"What are they? Humans or dogs?"
"They're inconvenient obstacles in GEOS' way to their money."
"I'm not going to ring any fucking little bell to praise anyone in my class. The students would be justified in dragging me out into the street and lynching me if I did."
"When's lunch?" Rina asked.

When our 30 minutes prep time was up the presentations started.

The first presentation was about something so forgettable that I've forgotten it. The next one I remember because the guy giving it took off one of his socks and used it as a puppet. The puppet represented a student. The trainers whispered among themselves making positive sounds.

I went up next silently cursing Mr. Sock Puppet. How can I follow such a quality presentation as that?!

"Our presentation is about praise. It's good but it's bad. You gotta be careful with it. If the students think you're just saying it to be nice they'll give up on learning. So...watch out."
YEAH!!!! What a knock out presentation!
"Is there a way we can praise our students without demotivating them?" Andrea asked, leaning forward in her chair.
"Well...I think any time you praise someone you really have to mean it. I mean don't stand up and clap if they successfully uncap their pens. Just let them know when they've gotten the point."
"How can we do that?" Andrea pushed.
"By saying things like, 'Good job!' or 'That's it!'" I replied.
"Didn't your material tell you a fun and interesting way to praise your students?" asked Andrea.
"Oh, you mean the bell thing? Yeah, it mentioned that. I would never do that, though."
All the trainers reeled in their chairs. One guy even covered his mouth.
"Why, Chris?" Andrea asked.
"Because it would never work in my class." I answered.
At this all the trainers gasped and looked at each other. The other teachers sitting near me edged away from me a little.
"What did you say?" Andrea asked in a severe tone.
"I said it would never work in my class..."
The trainers were rocking back and forth in their chairs.
"Chris. You used a word that we try to avoid."
"What? "Class"?" I asked.
"The other one."
"What? "Never"?"
All the trainers groaned. One guy made a noise like air escaping from a slashed tire.
"What's the matter with you guys?" I asked the trainers.
"Chris," Andrea now had the tone of a soothing mother, "Remember what we spoke about at the beginning of this training session? About how language affects our work place?"
"Yes...?"
"Do you think the word "Never" is a helpful word or an unhelpful word?"
"It's just a word. I use words to express my opinions."
The stench of death around me must have been overwhelming because the other teachers continued to move away.
"Let's move on, people. We have other presentations to consider." Andrea said.
"I can take off my sock if you want me to..." I suggested. Someone stifled a chuckle.

After the training was over around 9:30 at night I went to a nearby izakaya with my friends.

"Oh fuck, Chris. You really shot yourself in the foot that time, man." Peter said.
"C'mon. Don't you think it's ridiculous? We can't use some words because they're not GEOS approved?" I said.
"You did it again." Peter said.
"What?"
"You used a bad word."
"What, "can't"?"
Peter writhed in mock agony, "Yes! That's it! Use other words! Use nice words!"
"I think..." I said slowly considering each word carefully.
"Yes...?" Peter said.
"those trainers..."
"Uh huuuuuhhh..."
"should stick... their lousy double speak... up their..."
"Chris, that is a very ungentle thing to say!" Peter said merrily.
"I know. I'm double plus un-good. The Thought Police told me so." I said.

The next day at the end of the so-called training, Andrea wanted to tell us a story.

"What we've been learning here these last two days will truly help you in your futures. You've got to re-learn all that you know about language and how you use it. Some day in the future everyone will speak only in terms of accomplishment and ability. Negative terms will vanish. I have some friends who had a baby a few years ago. They are raising the child without using the word "No." In all the child's life she has never been told "No." Her parents have only presented alternative choices to her when what she was doing might have been unpleasant. She will grow up to be a achiever."
Either that or one fucking bitch I thought.
"Return to your schools with what we have taught you. Teach others..."
Is there a wastepaper basket around here for me to get sick in?
"...you are truly lucky to have glimpsed the future"
And a large portion of my past is going to spew from my lips in a minute!
"And Chris?"
"Yes?"
"I know you can make these exercises work. We all have." She smiled warmly.
Must...not...puke...Keep it in...Fight gag reflex...

If I've glimpsed the future it is straight out of Orwell's Nineteen Eighty-Four: Newspeak. GEOS trainers and teachers will be experts at it. They'll patent it and everyone will have to sign up for lessons to learn it. Just when you think you've mastered it they'll change it so you'll have to sign up for more lessons. It's a GEOS wet dream.
Can't you see it?


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