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Gaijin Wars: Episode I

Arriving in Japan a second time was nowhere near as good as the first. In the past I had been a fresh-faced traveller, new to the weird smells of airport toilets, the sights of beautiful women wearing Donald Duck skirts and sounds of weird high-pitched super genki songs on Japanese commercials telling me to get some germ killing product I would never need. From the look of the housewife on screen I would need to kill every insect in the universe before getting a good nights sleep but for me now those things just seemed so damn annoying. I was back in Japan and looking for work, I had little cash and next to zero qualifications but hell I was a gaijin and I had to fulfil this dream of living a life in the Far East.

The first visit was a mere fortnight of travel and sight seeing but somewhere in Kanagawa I bumped into a blonde camp looking American who told me about teaching English in the local schools. He flicked his hair and re-arranged his necklace, a perfect image of what our fathers warned us not to turn out like, while telling me about the visas and workload in an over the top super genki accent which was enough to put most schoolgirls to shame. I left out encounter feeling hurt and wounded, how on earth could a weirdo like him land a job like that, and after retuning to my small cave in the remote mountains back home I began plotting and planning a return to Japan. This time I was determined to do things right, to get what visa I could, to have as much grasp of the language as possible and to land me a job that would keep me living the good life. Now I realise how stupid I was but damn, I was going to do it, I just had to.

Shit happens though. So there I was back at Narita airport with a handful of chump change in my pocket and no more than a handful of Japanese words to get me through anything from a plea for help after bursting my bladder to asking the people at seven-eleven not to over heat my cheese and ham burritos. Either way I was screwed since even if I did know exactly what to say and pronounce them correctly most people would ignore it. I was just a gaijin after all so how the hell would I know what I wanted when I asked for something? What the hell, I was later to become one of the most prominent Ghost Gaijin of all Japan, better I get used to it as soon as possible so as not to disrupt the wa. I boarded one of the trains at Narita and headed a few stations down to Katsutadai where a room was waiting for me at a small business hotel booked over the Internet. I needed sleep, air conditioners and a hot shower.

While in the train I sat opposite a huge fellow gaijin, the seats around us must have been bad because the other Japanese passengers preferred to stand or sit a distance apart, but as this gigantic specimen of gaijinland sitting opposite me was holding a newspaper from back home I decided to make small talk to pass the time.

"So you just arrived too?" I asked in a calm voice. The man was looking straight at me but took a few seconds to respond. He must have been in that trance like most commuters.

"Yeah...sigh...Yeah" he said in a laboured voice. Had he just ran or flown here? I decided not to give up and spoke some more.

"Is that this week's newspaper? I'm going to miss hearing the news from back home" I asked again hoping to get more of a response.

"Yeah...puff...sigh...Yeah" spoke the large one and I was starting to get sick of his attitude but damn I needed conversation to keep me awake until the train arrived at the station.

"What part of Japan are you heading to?" I asked. That should get him talking.

"I dunno..." he said in response to my failed plan. Maybe sleeping would be more entertaining after all but I pressed on, like a good little gaijin trooper, chatting like a chimp.

"Umm...right. I've got nothing planned so I have to start looking for some schools soon" or in other words it was I need a job and want someone to show me the ropes.

"I see...sigh...I know some schools looking for some teachers" he spoke. Now this could be useful and would be a great help. Like a down on his luck businessman in one of those dim lit strip joints I asked him to reveal more.

"Yeah? Where are they looking?" this could be it, this could save my ass in Japan! I could sit back and spend was cash I brought on toy capsules and junk food without the fear of being a poor gaijin. Getting a job now would be too perfect but I was willing to accept it.

"I dunno...sigh..." was all he said in response and I wanted to kill him.

I left what could be considered our conversation at that. I was later to learn than folks like him are all over Japan and that getting along with fellow gaijin here would be more of a challenge than remaining platonic friends with a Japanese woman. Alas before I could release a torrent of rage upon his fat neck the train pulled into Katsutadai and it was time for me to leave. Hello Japan! Kanto was here! I came out of the wrong side of the train station and instead of being greeted by the sight of a hotel my eyes laid upon one of the darker sides of Japan, Nova, in all its life sucking glory stood before me managing to look both eerie and tacky at the exact same time. Two of drones were standing outside sharing what looked like the remains of a long exhausted cigarette butt.

I walked over to talk and beg for a job...

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