Excuse me Satan, But Did You Just Shit Yourself?

Guest post by Skweekah

I have never found teaching classes too bad except for the fact that they can sometimes be so fucking void of mental stimulation. That leads me onto a negative experience with a difference, one of the olfactory kind. 6pm Tuesday evenings are a great time for class. The students are usually young tight arsed dummies who would without doubt offer some kind of cuisine of the palatable variety. I really like Tuesdays.

Even after all of the Tuesday rave reviews, there would be an event that would very nearly change this for ever. Class started and I had a couple of honies with the most suckable lips sitting opposite me. After a couple of minutes an odour became apparent. I thought "Fuck me! I know my classes are good but I never thought that anyone would shit themselves over them!" Anyway, I continued on with my class not giving it a second thought until the smell became even stronger and didn't seem to want to go the fuck away!

"What do you want from me god damn you!", I could hear my brain scream. "Go next door to Roslyns class! That bitch deserves to be harrassed by the fart of Satan!" But my attempts to drive the force away were in vain. The fucking thing just hung around like a bad smell.

What seemed like an eternity passed and the devil child of vapourised shit was still amongst us, and it didnt seem like it was about to lose any of its intense fury. I stared long and intensily at my luscious occupants but none of them appeared to be phased by the stench. Is this how Japan usually stank but I was a little slow in realising this fact? No, that couldnt have been possible. Could it be that one of these young beauties is actually rotting, in the midst of some kind of death-related decay? I couldnt find any evidence of this so I just sat there wondering what in the world of nasal cavities stuffed with tepid smouldering fecal matter was going on!

Time passed and I had to get the fuck out of there, and fast, faster than a determined turd travelling at 3 thousand miles per hour down some incontinent guys large intestines like a torpedo from a deep see submarine. I mumbled some bullshit and staggered out of the small hellish room. I immediately went into the bathroom and "checked" myself. Nope, nothing gone wrong here. I then proceeded to smell around me, but couldnt find any trace of Stenchoid, the possessed older cousin of Mr. Hanky.

Whilst in the cubicle I quickly lit a cigarette and sucked back on that mother hard until I suddenly heard the door open. Some fucker entered the cubicle next to mine so I quickly flushed my half-finished cigarette into Tokyo Bay and hurriedly exited the excretory facility. Just as the door was closing behind me I could hear the guy who was about to give birth to Monsier ShitFace say "Hey! Are you smoking in here?" I never did get to give him an answer.

I once again entered my class and took my seat. I realised that the force of 1000 rotting arseholes on heat was still upon us and from the look on the faces of my students I could tell that they too knew that someone or something else was with us. I felt really awkward sitting there with the evident smell of shit present and continuing to act like everything was all cool.

Fuck me, it wasn't. I felt like saying "Now, listen guys.It clearly states in the agreement that you received prior to commencing lessons with us that you are not to emit any kind of odours that have the potential to kill a fellow human being or to cause severe sensory damage. It also states clearly that if you are to partake in activities that involve you interacting with fecal matter in any form, be it the smearing of shit over oneself, the consumption of human waste, the rolling around or existence in crap must NOT be performed within 24 hours of attending a class". I couldnt enforce this rule as it would result in discriminatory behavior

Maybe I would be able to steer the conversation towards the topic of what they consumed within the last day or so:

Skweekah: "So guys! Japanese food is delicious! I like Japanese food! Miyumi, what did you eat this afternoon?"

Miyumi: "I eating hambaagaa..."

Skweekah: "How about you SuzumiHead?"

SuzumiHead: "I having curry rice..."

Skweekah: "And you Toyoshi. How about you?"

Toyoshi: "Well, I had a sesame seed bun stuffed with a 12-inch turd washed down with liquified excrement..."

Skweekah: "So you had McDonalds ... Wait a minute ... It's you Toyoshi you stinking fuck who is possessed by the dark prince of the sewer!"

But this I couldn't do. And besides, class was finally over and the students cheerfully shuffled out of the classroom/broom closet. My next class was soon to begin so I began wildly flapping and waving my textbook about in an attempt to clear the stench, a makeshift exorcism if you will.

The students for my next class entered the room and there I was, flapping this text book wildly about in a desperate attempt to improve the ambience of the surrounding atmosphere. I was fully aware that I looked like a guy who was making every attempt to get rid of a foul stench and I knew that they thought this too.

Class began and I greeted all present. "Good evening Hiroki, Kiyoka, Tomo. Today we'll be talking about shit and why intimate interacting with it must be avoided at all cost, especially before my classes."

They just sat there looking like stunned little children who had just shit their pants during a primary school history lesson. But, they knew what I was talking about. Somehow, they always know...