Do I have the corporate vision, FatBoy?

I remember that before coming to Japan I researched the eikaiwa thing in depth. I visited all of the discussion boards and Web sites and became a pro-active member in the mass of verbal diarrhoea that is CyberSpace. And what I saw was a bunch of sissy-boy fuckers who couldn't cut it on their own and needed their mothers to administer a bit of hand action occasionally for them to get through life. I thought that the horror stories and propaganda were a big joke. How pathetic can grown people be? No one has a gun to anybody's fucking head! Why don't you all get the fuck out of Japan and let the people who really want to be here make a difference to the lives of Japanese people?

That said, after being an eikaiwa teacher in Japan for over six months, I understand what you were all trying to say. Little did I realise that the very people making these admissions were once like me. Back then I didn't know that what they were saying was in fact spot fucking on! I now realise that these very people are some of the bravest people who ever voiced their truths! Braver than those who fought in the bloodiest of wars. More courageous than Gamera when he fought Monster Zero. More honest and pure than a pre-teen Swedish boy discovering self-satisfaction for the first time. I commend you all and apologise for my initial hastiness in judging you. Now, I too am the same as you all. I have seen the truth, and I don't like it.

Why the change of heart you may think. What could have happened to good 'ol Jazza for him to suddenly whistle a different tune? Well, it has to do with a company called AEON, the devil child of master GEOS. One of the sinister trio, the triangle of death. Once a foreigner enters this triangle, they're fucked! And the only way to survive its horrible wrath is to escape, bail out, piss the hell off. You get the drift.

Like many of the stories of why people sing a different tune in regard to the eikaiwa industry, it usually has to do with a single defining moment窶俳r many. It may be a run in with a coworker. It may be an altercation with a disruptive student. It may have been an inter-office relationship gone wrong. Or it may have been the dreaded meeting with the area supervisor. It is the last of these that reinforced the fact to me that AEON is nothing but a congregation of mutant zombies of the sexually frustrated variety. I don't mind becoming some kind of mutant zombie, but damn it all to hell if I'm going to let myself become sexually frustrated! And, this leads me onto what I'll refer to as "The Meeting: The sexually frustrated mutant zombie versus Jazza". There can be only one!

The meeting took place in a small room just before my first class. I was asked to come in slightly earlier and was assured that this meeting was purely routine. "The area manager likes to remain in close contact with his staff" quipped one drone, who had the annoying habit of making a ".ppppp" sound after completing some of her sentences, akin to the sound of an explosion between one's legs. "Jazza-san. Can you please fill this form out .ppppp" or "I'll be taking off now .ppppp". So I remarked "Then why haven't I seen this guy before?" And she replied "Oh no! You must have! Perhaps you weren't paying attention?" I replied "Perhaps he hasn't visited us in the six months that I've been here .ppppp".

I was sitting in one of the classrooms reading some literature when in walked Dr. FuckNut. He was a shortish man and was built rather heftily around the torso. His eyes were blue but appeared vacant. There was no one home. By the expression on his face, I knew he had his own problems. Either that or he really urgently needed to take a shit. The fact that he was an area manager for AEON, it could have been either窶俳r BOTH.

Well, he gave me an acknowledging nod and began to retrieve some "documents" from his shitty-looking briefcase and sat in silence looking at them. I attempted to make cheap conversation.

"It sure is gittin' cold would you agree?"

He ignored me and then began the rhetoric that can only be described as the expulsion of bile and other digestive juices through ones nose and mouth, and possibly through their tear ducts, just like the Tokyo Shock Boys (excepts replace bile and digestive juices with milk).

"Mr. Jazza. You have been with us now for a little over two months."

I replied "No, just over 6 months actually."

"Oh, He began to write something down. "OK, 6 months. So, how do you think things have gone here?"

"Well, it's been wonderful. I have made tons of friends. Karaoke! Who would have ever thought that it could be such fun! And, Pokari Sweat. I've heard about the stuff and couldn遞・wait to taste it. And you know what? It isn't that good. Roppongi's not bad either. Can be a little wild at times, but good for a laugh."

"Mr. Jazza. I think that you've missed the crux of my question. How are things at AEON?"

"Oh. Of course! DO'h!" I slapped my forehead with the palm of my hand. "A great place. The teachers are great and the students are great."

"Hmmm. I see. So how do you think you're making a difference to the AEON Corporation?"

"Well, I come to work everyday窶俳n time mind you! I really love teaching my students. They like me, I think. I get along with the teachers. We've even gotten into the habit of going for a couple of brews or 10 after class occasionally". I smiled but I sensed his displeasure in my response. "And I think that my teaching ideals and innovations are of great value to the AEON Corporation".

We sat in silence for a moment. His eyes darted around the room like that of a possessed slug. Then they came to rest on me.

"Do you have the corporate vision Mr. Jazza?" he muttered monotonously.

I just sat there thinking how much I really wanted a cigarette. Mmmm. I can already feel the Mild Sevens smoke filling my empty oblivion and the nicotine rush blast holes in my psyche...or some shit...

"Do you have the corporate vision Mr. Jazza?" said the sewer slug in a tone that was supposed to scare me.

Just at that moment I could have spat right in the motherfucker's eye and walked. I know what I should have done. I was fucking tempted. I wanted to pull down my pants and spread my arse cheeks as far apart as possible. I would have even requested the assistance of two of my co-workers窶俳ne on either side, parting my butt. Then I would request that the AreaMan place his eyeball right up against my arsehole and take a look for himself. "Do I have the corporate vision FatBoy?" I would mutter calmly. I can imagine him then saying "Dear God! You've come as close to is as anyone ever has!"

"Uhmmm. Well. Yeah, sure! Why the hell not!" We sat there in silence once again.

"Hmmm. Very well. That will be all". As he spoke a bit of saliva gathered on the side of his mouth, as if some head goon at AEON Corp headquarters had blown his load in his mouth.

OK. That went well I thought. Later in the day I pondered it furthers. Why? What the hell for? What was the meaning of it all? I felt pity for the middle aged balding mollusk that is AreaMan. I didn't know what the purpose of the meeting was and I am certain that he didn't either. He was just doing his job. It was expected of him. I'm sure he was once a passionate man who loved his work. Then he started working for AEON. And that was it! Emotional death by corporate asphyxiation. The wrath of the triangle of death.

Well, it was not a brutal meeting by any means, but one that displayed incompetence that reinforced my doubt in the Big3 of the eikaiwa industry. There was no benefit to be had by the meeting. It could have been more productive and fruitful for management and teachers alike if a more structured and well thought out meeting structure was devised. But, AreaMan didn't want to be there. I sure as hell didn't want to be there. He'll say that he came out and saw me along with several other teachers. And all will be happy. The cogs will continue to turn. Sure, there'll be a few broken teeth on them, but somehow they still manage to turn.

You may all think that after reading this pointless printed shit stain on some fucker's underpants that Jazza has finally cracked. Well, this message is for all of those budding, aspiring, would-be eikaiwa teachers and to those already here but have been fucked up. AEON, as the Irish might say, is "The turd of the Big3 English schools in Japan" but it gets many of us here to lead what may be a wonderful and inspiring chapter of our lives. Hell, I've had a ball!

The little responsibility placed upon me is refreshing. Being told what to do and when to do it and how to do it makes is so much easier. Sure I'll tire of this eventually, but after having a more responsible job back home, with people constantly breathing down your neck expecting you to perform miracles with limited resources and to make decisions, only to have them dismissed by more senior, less knowledgable people, is refreshing for now.

And besides, where else in the world can you drink a tall can of Kirin while waiting in a queue in a post office and stare at some cutie's tight arse? I don't know whether this is in fact permitted or not窶祢'm talking about the beer drinking窶巴ut nobody's complained as yet. And to those broken fucks that have been here for a while, take your situation by the balls and make it better. Or better still, take a day off work, grab a six pack of brew and chill in a park under a tree and read a good book or some form of erotica窶廃referably without the mosaic shit. Only then will the puppet strings loosen and the corporate clowns cease to perform, even if only for a short while.

Jazza